You would go long and far to find someone with fewer such days. I am not a moody person. To some I am irritatingly optimistic. It's just the temperament I came with. Always upbeat. Always making lemonade out of lemons. Always on the bright side. Always calm. Good in an emergency. Yada, yada, yada. This type of person can get on some people's nerves.
I doubt if I have one 'bad' day a year. I don't know what's wrong with me today.
I woke up with the usual allergies. Nothing unusual there. Got my husband off to work. As usual. Then I began to have my devotions. The operative word is 'began.' I had no idea what I was reading in the book of Judges. Finally, I gave up and just got on my knees and started crying. The Lord had to know what was wrong, because I had no clue why I was so uncharacteristically a basket case. Not even finding words for my condition, I asked the Lord to find my internal prayers, interpret them and speak to them. I'm confident He did .. but He's said nothing to me in explanation. Yet.
I'm not a crier. With one exception. The water works always come on when I am worshipping or feeling blessed or thankful. It's never due to unhappiness. Quite the opposite. It's always due to joy and thanksgiving. I'm 'spilling over,' I guess.
But this morning was different. I was spilling over, alright, but even though I couldn't identify the reason, it seemed to come from a different place. It seemed like sadness, but I wasn't sure. Such a rare emotion is not immediately identifiable.
Later in the morning I was overcome with sleepiness and curled up on the sofa, falling asleep almost immediately. I had a dream. I was talking to my mother on the telephone. She had called me, and I was so thrilled. In the dream, of course, I didn't realize she 'was no longer with us,' but recognized that I hadn't talked to her in a long time, and my top priority was finding out where she was and how I could call her back. She kept getting away from that important detail, and I kept asking her for the name of the place and the phone number. I knew that if we got disconnected (always a high possibility with the elderly on phones) that I would have no possible way of finding her.
When I asked her the name of the place, she responded that they wouldn't tell me anything if I called there. That wasn't the point. I kept pressing her for the name of the place and the phone number, and she kept getting off the subject. And, sure enough, we were disconnected. Because I woke up.
I was disappointed beyond words, and very groggy. Have you ever tried to get back into a dream? It doesn't work.
If only we could have finished the conversation. She sounded so good, and so well. And so her. I just could not get past it. I started crying again. I couldn't get over it. Funny, too, since I was never upset when Mother went to be with the Lord, and that's been well over a year ago. I've never cried; I always feel as though both my parents are right here with me. This was all a part of whatever it was I woke up with this morning.
Very strange, indeed.
I had blogs to write and, oddly, they turned out to be humorous ones. Not at all in accordance with my mood. Catharsis, I guess.
"Know thyself" is something I do well. Remember, I'm 'into' truth. I know everything about me - the good, the bad and the ugly.
Not today.
Maybe I secretly know. There is a reason for everything. There are no accidents in my walk with the Lord. Something is up, and if my guess is right, I'm not going to like it all that much. He's either wanting me to do something I'd rather not do, or he's whipping out another little piece of clay to slap on and mold me with. And He even brought my mother with Him. That would be my guess.
And then I'll have to try and bargain with him ... and lose.
From experience...
A Royal Heir
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